Because of You
by diehardRRfan
Summary: AU Fic about Ross and Rachel. Ross is in love with Rachel but is worried about risking his relationship with Joey, her ex-boyfriend. When Rachel starts making moves on him and then backing off, it leads to something that they both may regret.
1. New Beginnings

**Because of You**

**Disclaimer: As much as I would love to say that I owned the characters, I do not. (It's safe to say that if I did, the show would've ended differently and I would be considerably more wealthy than I am now.)**

_**A/N: **Hi all. I'm so happy summer is here – now I can focus on my writing, which I have missed tremendously. This is a story set when Ross and Rachel and the rest of the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. are about 27-28. It's an extremely AU fic, as Monica and Rachel and Ross did not grow up together, and Rachel dated Joey for two years before breaking up. The reason for their split is unknown to everyone but themselves, but you'll find out later in the story. Ross and Rachel have not dated prior to this point. I plan making this 2, maybe 3 chapters at the most, and I'm still working on "Love is…" The songs featured in this piece are by Kelly Clarkson because well, she rocks. So please read this, keep an open mind, and drop me a line when you're done – I love hearing what you all think…_

XoX

And there she was. Again. Rachel. The one he'd loved for what seemed like a lifetime. The one woman with whom he'd never have a chance in hell. And yet, there she was - smiling that gorgeous smile, swaying those hips as she walked over to him. His mouth goes dry; he has trouble stringing more than 2 words together. His palms sweat and he begins to feel woozy. And then she sits down next to him, drowning him with her scent that is oddly a combination of lilies and that of a newborn baby. He's so in love with her, it makes him delirious. Yet he doesn't act on it. He never tells her how he feels. He never leads her to believe that there is something more meaningful behind the nice things that he does for her. Why? Because it is wrong. So inexplicably wrong. They are best friends, practically siblings, and introduced while she was dating another of his best friends. Joey and Rachel had been in love – had talked of marriage and family. Ross didn't know what happened to eventually break them up, but that didn't matter now. What mattered was the fact that they dated – Joey and Rachel. For two years, they were inseparable. That's precisely the reason why he and Rachel could never be.

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
I will not let myself  
Cause my heart so much misery  
I will not break the way you did,  
You fell so hard  
I've learned the hard way  
To never let it get that far_

XoX

But nothing could stop him from feeling the way he did about her. There was nothing that could stop his breathing from quickening whenever she was close to him; nothing to stop his breath from catching in his throat at even the slightest contact from his skin to hers – even if it was just to pass the syrup at breakfast every morning. And no matter how strong his urges were to just make love to her right on the kitchen table, he resisted them, for he had no choice. He had to pretend that he wasn't madly in love with her. If not for his own sanity, than out of loyalty to Joey. His best friend – Joey…

But suddenly, it became harder and harder to fight the urges. At times, he could swear that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. She would lightly graze his stomach with ghosts of her fingertips as she walked by him in the coffee shop; lean her head on his shoulder when they watched TV, periodically kissing him on the cheek and stroking his thigh. Most days, she'd do something totally out of the ordinary; something you only to do someone when you're dating them, or in some cases, have been dating them for a while. But… when he'd try to hold her hand or kiss her, she'd pull away – as if he was committing a crime. Some days, she'd avoid his gaze, she wouldn't talk to him at all, stay as far away from him as possible without it attracting too much unwanted attention. Nevertheless, as fast as those days would come, they went even faster. She would go from pretending he didn't exist to treating him like a God. As much as he loved that, it always ended up leaving him feeling hurt and confused, wondering why it was only some days that she built up the nerve to pay attention to him. He felt used, but at the same time, hesitant to talk about it for fear of ending the one thing he'd ever really and truly wanted. So, he went along with it, reacting to however she was going to act that day.

_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

In his desperation, he talked to Monica about it. Hoping to receive from the conversation the understanding he needed that he knew he wasn't going to get from Rachel.

"Hey Mon, you mind if I talk to you for a second about Rachel?" Ross asked.

"Not at all – I was actually wondering what was going on with you two."

_Me too_.

He told her the stories, told her how Rachel's "attraction" came and went without so much as a single word of explanation or apology. Nothing to give him any insight as to why she was acting the way she was. In the end, Monica could only tell him to talk to Rachel, get the story straight from her. So ultimately, he decided that one day he'd just have to bite the bullet and talk to her.

XoX

It happened a couple of weeks after his talk with Monica. Ross had invited Rachel to a casual dinner at his apartment. Not really a "Date" situation, but just a dinner between friends. After dinner, though, Rachel initiated the first contact. She wrapped her arms around his middle and kissed him between his shoulder blades, searing his skin even through his shirt. His eyes squeezed tightly shut and his breathing became ragged as he tried to pull himself together. She stroked his stomach, weaving figure eights on his chest with the tips of her fingers as she kissed the back of his neck before whispering into his ear, "Make love to me." Upon hearing this, Ross's eyes shot open and he turned around, looking into her eyes, searching them for some sign – anything to tell him whether or not he should go through with it. He wanted to – God, he wanted to. But at the same time, he wanted to be sure it was what she really wanted, too. Seeing longing in her eyes, he kissed her with such passion and ferocity that she staggered back across the kitchen and against the counter on the other side, him still attached to her lips. In one motion, she hopped up onto the counter and wrapped her legs around him tightly, her hands ravaging through his hair as she moaned into his mouth.

Ross broke the kiss, giving her one last chance to back out and save both of them a lot of potential hurt. Through deep breathing, he looked into her eyes one more time. The blue piercing him through the dark as the air around them became thick with heat. He whispered, "Are you sure this is what you want?" For a brief second, reluctance and hesitation stopped her from answering. She sat still, as if contemplating what consequences could come from what they were about to do, and then she nodded, only slightly, before kissing him again. The passion in this kiss paralleling that of the one that sent her clear across the room. It was him who broke the kiss again, staring into those bright blue pools that electrified ever fiber of his being.

XoX

Originally, he hadn't wanted their "first time" to be like this. This seemed too rushed and needy. He wanted their first time be about making love; about being with one another and savoring the moment. As much as he wanted to do this, something about the circumstances made him feel as if this was just meaningless sex, and that's not what he wanted to be for her. He wanted to be the one she was with every night. He wanted to be the last person she saw before she drifted off and the first person that she saw when she woke up in the morning. He wanted to be the person who got to hear her say "I love you". The person that made her laugh, the person who she saw herself with every time she looked into her future. He wanted to know her intimate secrets, things that only a lover would know. He wanted to be her forever.

XoX

He breathed in her scent, although the sheer magnitude of it made him feel slightly overwhelmed. Now, he was just watching her as she took off his shirt, feeling her delicate hands on the skin of his chest leaving trails that felt like a combination of fire and ice. The newness of this experience exhilarated him. Never before had he been a part of something as wonderful as this, he was savoring every kiss, every touch. His skin was tingling in the wake of her lips and he found himself lost in a dream each time he found her tongue to be battling his own. Breathing heavily, she took his hands and guided them in removing her shirt while smiling at the look on his face. He stirred himself from his reverie and removed her bra, kissing her neck as she rocked against him. Sensually, he rubbed the back of her thighs and moaned when she planted an open-mouthed kiss to the center of his chest, punctuating it by biting down softly into his skin. He felt her hands undo his pants and shove them down near his ankles while he did the same to her, licking and biting her neck. "Bedroom?" he breathed, proving his point by pushing himself into her stomach.

"No…can't wait. Need… Now!" With that, Ross lifted her up by the ass and whirled her around, ramming her into the refrigerator. The cold of the stainless steel surface was a shock to her heated body and she let out a strangled yelp when her skin first made contact. Ross slowed down and asked her in between kisses, "Are you okay?" She barely nodded before grinding into him, telling him to hurry up. He tore off her underwear as she guided him out of his boxers and into her. With the first solid thrust, she threw her head back, the sound of her screaming Ross's name reverberating throughout the entire apartment. It only took a few minutes for both Ross and Rachel to climax, and when it was over, Rachel was plastered against his refrigerator, beads of sweat sliding down her body. He buried his face in her neck and whispered softly, but loud enough for her to hear, "I love you."

_It's like I can't breathe  
It's like I can't see anything  
Nothing but you  
I'm addicted to you  
It's like I can't think  
Without you interrupting me  
In my thoughts  
In my dreams  
You've taken over me  
It's like I'm not me  
It's like I'm not me_

Rachel felt tears stinging her eyes as she pried herself away from him, "I'm sorry." Ross's eyes followed her as she gathered her clothes, hurt and anger flashing through them like bolts of lightning.

They dressed in silence and she made her way to the front door of his apartment. As she turned the knob to open the door, she heard his voice from the doorway of the kitchen. "It's never going to happen again, is it?" Disgust poisoned every syllable that came from his pained lips.

She watched him, studied the way his eyes bore into hers. She looked to the ground, and finally willed the tears to fall. "I'm sorry." She repeated.

"Yeah, I'll bet you are."

Rachel looked at him again, her voice cracking. "Ross, please don't do this."

"Don't do what? Be mad? Be upset? Don't worry, Rach. I'm not mad. I'm actually ecstatic that you used me. It feels pretty damn good to be messed around with for a month. I hope you had a good time tonight. You be sure to give me a call when you need another lay."

_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

The words played back in her head only seconds after he first uttered them, and once she'd had enough time to comprehend what he was accusing her of, the anger roared out of her. "It wasn't like that and you know it, Ross!"

He took a step toward her, challenging her. "Do I though? Do I know it? Dammit Rachel, you've been screwing with me for so long. I don't know what to think anymore! You kiss me and touch me one day, then pretend nothing happened the next. Was tonight just taking it to another level? Is this how it's going to be now? You're gonna lead me to believe that you care about me so that I'll 'make love to you' and then you pretend that nothing happened?" Ross was right in front of her now, trapping her in the corner by his front door.

"I do care about you, Ross."

"Yeah? Well, you've got one hell of a way of showing it!"

"It's complicated, okay Ross? I can't just fall into this. There are a lot of thing that I still need to figure out. It's not as easy as you think it is. So don't give me this shit about 'using you' because you know damn well that that isn't true." Rachel was shaking violently with anger as the tears continued to fall. Each word that came out of her mouth was cracked and shaken as she tried to maintain control of her mind and her emotions. She wanted nothing more than to just fall into his arms, tell him that she loved him and that she was sorry – for hurting him, for behaving the way that she did, for not knowing sooner – for everything. But she held back. She didn't just fall into his arms because she wasn't ready yet, and she wasn't sure that he was either. She whispered, almost inaudibly, "You have no idea how I feel about you or what goes through my head. You have no idea."

_I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out  
I cannot cry  
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes  
I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life  
My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with_

Ross watched her as she spoke, seeing and hearing all of the emotion in her voice. He took another step towards her, taking her hand in both of his. When he spoke, he spoke softly, his voice no longer full of anger, but of hope and pleading. "So tell me, Rach. Let me in. Let me help you."

She shook her head. "No. This is something that I have to do by myself - for myself. Just know, I never did any of this to hurt you or use you. I really do have feelings for you; I just have to figure some things out on my own before I can allow myself to take that next step with you. I'm sorry about what happened tonight."

_I don't believe  
In the smile that you leave  
When you walk away  
And say goodbye  
Well I don't expect  
The world to move underneath me  
But for God's sake  
Could you try?  
I know that you're true to me  
You're always there  
You say you care  
I know that you want to be mine_

Ross shook his head, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat. He looked into her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm not." She nodded before kissing him lightly on the cheek. She looked at him one more time before smiling softly as she opened the door and left, leaving him only to watch her go and kick himself for letting her walk away.

_Where is your heart?_

_**A/N: **Okay… so I am extremely nervous about this. I think it's about as dark as I've written before, and slightly more raunchy. I hope it's not distasteful, and I tried to incorporate feelings into the act as well. I'm sure you noticed that Rachel's point of view wasn't showcased a whole lot, and that was intentional. Trust me with this one. I used "Because of You", "Addicted", and "Where is Your Heart" in this. All are by Kelly Clarkson. They're awesome songs, so after you leave me a review (pwease..?) you should download them! Review!_


	2. Late Night Talks

**Because of You**

**Disclaimer: **You know, you don't realize how pathetically boring and unfulfilled your life is until you write a disclaimer that says that you don't own a damn thing.

_**A/N:** Here's chapter two! Thank you so much to every one who reviewed. Your kind words and encouragement mean so much to me! Please read this and leave me more!  
_

It was still only midnight but Ross felt that it was at least into the early morning hours. His evening with Rachel was still fresh in his mind, as was her departure, which left him once again with the painful burden of confusion and longing. He sat on his couch, beer in hand, and studied a picture of the group taken by Rachel's mother only 3 weeks ago. Ross had been telling a story with everyone seemingly listening intently, but as he scanned their faces, the only one showing a true interest in what he was saying was Rachel. He looked into her eyes and saw raw emotion overflowing with love, adoration, and the familiar longing that was weighing his already heavy heart. Wiping a tear from his eye, he gazed at the still form of her perfection, captured in time forever on a glossy 4" x 6" sheet of paper. While he looked at her, he couldn't help but wonder, what happened between her and Joey to cause them to break up, and what questions were plaguing her mind, holding her back from a wonderful future by his side? Will he ever get what he desires most?

_I'll fill those canyons in your soul  
Like a river lead you home  
And I'll walk a step behind  
In the shadows so you shine  
Just ask it will be done  
And I will prove my love  
Until you're sure that I'm **the one**_

XoX

Rachel walked down the hall and away from Ross's apartment, unable to stop the tears from falling or her body shaking violently from her sobs. It took all of the strength that she had left to keep her from running back to him and never letting him go, but she knew that when, and if, anything progressed between them – more than what already had – it had to be different. It had to be right, and most importantly, it had to be with permission from the man that was her everything for two years. The man who she knew deep down always would be. It had to be okay with Joey.

She continued down the hall, listening to Ross' muffled sobs before he took a deep breath and went inside, closing the door behind him. Knowing that he had finally stopped watching her walk away, she let her knees go, crumbling into a crying heap on the floor down the all from his apartment. She sat like this; legs sprawled across the hallway for at least an hour, trying her best to dry her own tears although she knew that the one person who could do that for her was less than 100 feet away. Sighing, she got up and walked over to his door and pressed her ear against the wood, struggling against the sound of her own breathing to hear him on the other side. For a brief second, she held her breath, and it was just long enough for her to hear him sob. The sound seemed to rip her heart in two, so after kissing his door and whispering, "I'm sorry" once again, she turned and ran for the stairs, not trusting herself enough to stay.

XoX

Rachel walked aimlessly around the Village, never once lifting her eyes off the ground. Her clothes were like a second skin due to the storm that passed through 30 minutes earlier, and her face was puffy from crying. On an impulse, she made a right and entered an apartment building, letting her memory guide her up the stairs to her destination. He was the only one she knew who lived in this building but she hadn't been here in over a year, as Monica's apartment was the official "hangout" for the sextet. She hesitated briefly before knocking – partly because she was afraid to talk to him, and partly because if he had a girl over, she didn't want to disturb them. Finally, she rapped softly on the door three times, and waited for two minutes before she got ready to knock again. She brought her arm up, but stopped when she heard his familiar groggy voice on the other side call her name. She nodded wordlessly, afraid of willing more tears to fall if she spoke. She heard the chain unlatch as the door opened to reveal a clothed Joey looking at her quizzically, "What's the matter?" He looked her up and down, taking in her soaked figure with red, puffy eyes. "Did you walk here?"

Rachel sniffled and shifted her weight, looking up at him with the most pitiful and pathetic look in her eyes – the one that would melt your heart.

"Hey Joe – can we talk?"

XoX

After his sixth beer and whole box of Kleenex tissues, Ross decided to pack it in for the night before he wasted himself too much. He gathered all of his trash and brought them into the kitchen, surprised to find that it was still steamy and stuffy from hours earlier. He looked around, a faint smile playing his lips as he looked at the refrigerator. While the steam that was on it before had melted away, you could still see a faint outline of where their bodies were. You could see the print of his right hand next to where her head would have been, and you could see where her hand slid across the top of the door and over to the side. Ross forced himself to look away, suddenly feeling very sad and disappointed that it happened the way it did. Their first time was supposed to be special and romantic, not rushed and irresponsible. He threw away his beer cans and tissues and left the kitchen. He let out a deep sigh as he scanned the apartment before turning to his room to go to bed. It was going to be a long night.

XoX

Joey fixed Rachel a mug of hot chocolate as she sat, wrapped in a towel, on his couch. She was staring into space, her eyes distant, and she barely smiled in thanks when Joey brought her the mug.

He sat down opposite her on the barcalounger and watched her curiously, waiting to see if she would initiate the conversation that she walked across town to have. When she didn't, he took the first step. "What's on your mind, Rach?"

She took a deep breath and played with her fingers before answering. Without looking up at him, she said, "Ross and I kind of … had sex tonight."

Wow… It was safe to say that he wasn't expecting _that_. Joey shook his head and looked at her with a puzzled expression on his face. "I'm sorry… What?"

Rachel looked up at him finally, and repeated the words with much more confidence than she had managed before. "Ross and I had sex tonight."

This time, Joey nodded and looked down, playing with a bracelet on his wrist. He looked up at her again, the calm in his voice and eyes surprising her. "Wow… um, okay."

Rachel was so confused. She'd been scared to say anything because she thought Joey was going to freak out and kill Ross. His reaction came completely out of the blue, leaving her at a loss for words for several minutes. "Aren't you – aren't you upset?"

"Why would I be upset?"

"Because it's Ross, your best friend and me, your ex-girlfriend."

"That doesn't bother me…Do you want me to be mad?"

"No! No, it's just… for some reason I expected you to flip out and stuff."

"Listen Rach, we've been over for a year and a half. I've moved on, and I'm happy that you have too. I'm actually glad that it's Ross and not some guy I don't know. Ross will treat you good. I know how much he cares about you."

"You do?"

"Are you kidding? You'd have to be blind to not notice the way that he looks at you."

At this, Rachel smiled. She was those looks too. He really _did_ care about her. "So you're really okay with this?"

"Rachel…I'm okay with whatever makes you happy. Don't let me stand in the way of anything." Rachel smiled and hugged him, feeling his warmth as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head. "Hey Rach?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you talked to him about what happened with us?"

Rachel looked up to see genuine concern and worry in his eyes. "No not yet."

"Well, make sure you do. Before he decides to be with you, it's only fair for him to know what split us up."

Rachel nodded. "I will Joe." After a second of just being held by him, she kissed his cheek. "Thanks Joey. I'll let you know how it all turns out."

She was just turning the knob to open the door and leave when she heard him call out, "Where are you going?"

"Uh…home?" She answered.

"Rachel, it's two-thirty in the morning. There's no way in hell I'm letting you walk home. I'll go get you something to sleep in and a pillow for the couch." And with that, he went back into his room and got all of her sleeping necessities. Before she drifted off 15 minutes later, she looked at him and smiled. "Thank you for everything Joey."

"It's no problem." He turned around to go into his room, but at the last second stopped himself and faced her again. "Hey Rach, can I ask you a question?"

Yawning, she closed her eyes and answered him, "Sure, honey."

"Do you love him?"

She opened her eyes and turned to look at him. She studied his face before answering with a smile, "Yeah, I think I do."

_I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,_

_Never settle for the path of least resistance_

_Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',_

_Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',_

_Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,_

_When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,_

_Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,_

_And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, _

_I hope you dance._

Joey nodded and smiled. "Goodnight."

"'Night." And this time, when she went to sleep, there was a smile spread wide across her face…

XoX

Ross had only been sleeping for three hours when he heard soft knocking at his front door. On the way to the door, he shook his head violently; trying to wake himself up, but that wasn't nearly as effective as opening the door to find Rachel standing on the other side.

_She's the sun set shadows  
She's like Rembrandt's light  
She's the history that's made at night  
She's my lost companion  
She's my dreaming tree  
Together in this brief eternity  
Summer days, winter snows  
She's all things to behold_

XoX

For a moment, he just stared at her - too shocked to speak. He was amazed that she came back so quickly, and that she came back at all. He hadn't expected to see her for a few days before she figured herself out and what she wanted.

They stood in a heavy but comfortable silence for just a couple of minutes before she managed a soft "Hey" and a small smile.

_She's my kind of rain  
Like love from a drunken sky  
Confetti falling down all night  
She's my kind of rain_

He cleared his throat and shifted his feet before greeting her with a very hoarse "Hey" in return.

Again they just stood there, this time the silence easing out of comfortable and into awkward as hell. He was still staring at her and she was looking anywhere but at him, afraid of what she might do if she met his eyes for longer than three seconds. Finally, she looked at the floor and then back up at him. They'd been standing there for close to five minutes, and no one had said more than one word. Plus, this is not where she wanted to talk to him about everything that she needed to say. "Um…Can I come in?"

"Oh! Yeah, sure." He stammered as he stepped aside, holding the door open wide enough for her to come in. _God_, he thought,_ she is gorgeous._ "So, um…do you want some coffee or something?"

_Don't be scared to show your feelings_

_Cause baby I do understand_

_And I don't make promises that I can't keep_

_And I vow to be a real good man_

She nodded and sat down on the couch fidgeting nervously and smiling slightly when she looked up and found him staring at her again. She arched her eyebrows expectantly; silently waiting for him to say or do anything; anything that would turn his attention from her. "Ross?"

He shook his head, allowing his mind to float back down to Earth, realizing that he'd done nothing but stare at her for thirty seconds – even more if you counted what happened at the door. He looked up at the ceiling, searching his brain for the memory of whatever he was supposed to be doing right now, and trying to push away the insecure feelings of how big of an idiot he probably looked right now. "Oh right – the coffee." Rachel let out a nervous chuckle as Ross ran into the kitchen to prepare the coffee, sighing and running her fingers through her hair.

This was going to be interesting.

XoX

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Ross was massaging his temples, mentally kicking himself for his ridiculous behavior. He took a deep breath and got two mugs from the cabinet above his head. He filled them both with coffee and prepared hers just the way she liked it – three sugars with fat free Chocolate Raspberry cream. His own mug he left black, figuring he would need the extra jolt.

He brought the coffee into the living room and sat down across from her, taking a sip before asking, maybe a little too casually, "So what's up?"

She bit her lip in that adorably sexy, provocative way that he loved and twisted a ring that was on her finger. "I just got back from Joey's."

"Oh…" Ross said, failing miserably at concealing his hurt and disappointment.

In one fluid motion, she ran over to the chair where he was sitting and sat on the table in front of him. She took his hand in hers and said, "No! No, Ross, honey. That's not what I meant. I didn't go over there in the way that you're thinking." He looked up at her with this expression on his face that reminded her of a combination of a little boy and a little puppy. She had to force herself not to laugh. "I went there to talk …" She took a deep breath and squeezed his hand, gesturing between them "… about what's going on with us."

_In those big green eyes I see a glow of love_

_I just hope I'm the one you're dreaming of_

_Let me be the one to love you_

_Let me be the one to care_

_Let me be the one to light your flame_

_Oh baby Oh baby_

_Let me be the one_

"Yeah?" Rachel nodded and smiled at Ross's noticeable relief. "Well, what'd – what'd he say?"

"He gave us his blessing." Ross smiled. "Apparently, he caught you making eyes at me and figured you out." The both laughed but stopped almost immediately when their eyes met. Her eyes pierced through his and he could swear that they illuminated every corner of his heart and soul. "Ross, before anything happens with us, we need to talk. There are some things that you really need to know before you decide that you want to be with me."

_I'll fill those canyons in your soul  
Like a river lead you home  
And I'll walk a step behind  
In the shadows so you shine  
Just ask it will be done  
And I will prove my love  
Until you're sure that I'm **the one**_

"Things like what?" he asked curiously. He rubbed circles on the back of her hand with his thumb while she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She looked right at him again and answered calmly.

"Things like why Joey and I broke up."

_**A/N: **I think I'm just naturally nervous about updating things like this, I don't know. This chapter seemed a little too heavy on the dialogue to me, but I felt that it was necessary because how else were the characters going to communicate, y'know? Alright, so the songs in here are: Gary Allan's "The One", Tim McGraw's "She's My Kind of Rain", LeeAnn Womack's "I Hope You Dance", and Blessid Union of Soul's "Let Me Be the One." _

_**PLEASE** leave me a review and let me know if I'm on the right track!_


	3. The Break Up and Starting Over

**Because of You**

**Disclaimer:** You know, I never used to put disclaimers up in my stories before, and I think I might just stop. They do nothing but make me feel bad – let's face it, if I had any ownership of anything _Friends_ related, you would know who I am, and suffice to say that I would not be writing fanfiction (although it's something that I do love). Enough said.

_**A/N:** Well hello everyone. Thank you so much for the great reviews. I know you will probably think that I'm full of it when I tell you this, but when I read them and I see how nice you guys are to me, I get tears in my eyes. Nothing makes me happier than to know that you guys enjoy so much what I love to give you. I apologize for the delay in this chapter, I have been working a lot and volunteering a lot which leaves me little time for anything but eating and sleeping – although I did stay up late to make sure that I got this finished for you.  I think that there will be a short – or maybe long – epilogue after this… We shall see… In the meantime – please make me cry and leave a review. I appreciate them so much!_

_Things like why Joey and I broke up._

In a matter of seconds, Ross' eyes glazed over and his throat went dry. His palms began to sweat and his pulse started to race. His appearance in that brief second in time was one that defined the phrase 'freaking out'. It was amazing how a statement that would be so mundane and unimportant to someone else could suddenly make him more nervous than he'd been in all of his twenty-eight years.

"Ross?" Rachel was still sitting on the coffee table in front of him, attempting to gauge his shocked expression, hoping to God that he was okay and that he wasn't having a nervous breakdown of some sort. "Are you okay?" She sounded so scared and innocent; almost as if she did something wrong and was afraid to admit her mistake.

Ross cleared his throat and rubbed the back of her hand, allowing his eyes to finally come up and make contact with hers. "Yeah – yeah, I'm fine. You just – you kinda threw me a curve there. I wasn't expecting that." He chuckled nervously and looked down at her hand that was held safely in both of his. Gazing back up at her, he shook his head. "I'm sorry. I just – look, you don't have to talk to me about this if you don't want to. I'll totally understand if you can't or something. Listen Rach, There isn't a thing you can say to me that could make me not want to be with you." He pulled up her hand and kissed the top of it to prove his point, never tearing his eyes away from hers.

Rachel smiled, silently wondering why it had taken her so long to notice how sweet and loving and … just perfect Ross was. She gently placed her free hand on top of his and sighed. "I know… But this is something that I have to get out - if not for you, then for me." Ross nodded. If this was something that she felt necessary to tell him, then he would listen and do whatever he could to help her along the way. He squeezed her hand as both a symbol of comfort and assurance, and a signal telling her that whenever she was ready to talk, he was ready to listen. He watched her as she took another deep breath and studied her hands that were resting comfortably in her lap. She closed her eyes and slowly began to talk. "Two years ago…I was in a relationship that I thought was going to last forever." Opening her eyes, she turned her head away from Ross and glanced around the room at all of the pictures on walls and tables, dinosaur knick-knacks and awards dating all the way back to 9th grade English; all the while collecting her thoughts. "I really thought that Joey and I were going to get married and live happily ever after. We were going to have our big family…" She smiled at the memory while Ross just listened, not even daring to move a muscle as she spoke. "I remember he wanted two boys and two girls. The first boy was going to be Joey III, and the second was either going to be Ross or Chandler – he hadn't decided yet." Ross tried but failed to stifle a chuckle at the thought of Joey naming his sons after either him or Chandler. Rachel, however, remained serious. So serious, in fact, that Ross calmed down almost immediately so as not to deter her from finishing the story. "The girls were going to be Phoebe and Monica. He wanted our first baby to be Monica so that she could take care of the other kids when they all got older – just like Monica takes care of all of us now." Rachel met Ross's eyes for the first time since she began talking, and it was then that he summoned enough courage to ask her a question.

_Better than I was  
More than I am  
And all of this happened  
By taking' your hand  
And who I am now  
Is who I wanted to be  
And now that we're together  
I'm stronger than ever  
I'm happy and free  
Oh, it's a beautiful thing  
Don't think I can keep it all in  
And if you asked me why I've changed  
All I gotta do is say your sweet name_

"How come Joey didn't want to name one of the babies Rachel, for you?" He asked. He spoke softly so as to not upset her, and he was surprised when he saw her smile.

She looked down to the ground once again and played with her fingers and she spoke, "He didn't think that it would be right to name one of the girls Rachel because he said that there could only be _one_ Rachel – and that the one Rachel was me." Ross nodded silently, smiling also because that was definitely something that Joey would've said. He could almost hear the words in Joey's voice in his mind. When she spoke again, Ross could hear her voice cracking as she began to cry. "We'd been together for about a year and a half when we decided to start trying for our first baby." Rachel chuckled through her tears, "Call me crazy, but I wanted to be pregnant when we got married. I've always thought that pregnant brides are the most beautiful." Ross reached up and wiped a tear that was threatening to slide right off of the smooth skin of her cheek, feeling her face sort of melt into his hand as she resumed talking. "We agreed that when I got pregnant and we got past the first trimester, we would officially announce our engagement. So…in October of 2004, I found out that I was pregnant." Ross's face fell – not out of sadness or anything, but just because he couldn't believe that they'd actually been pregnant and hadn't told anyone. And then the thought flew across his mind – if they had been pregnant, where was the baby now?

"Rach, how come you never told any of us that you were - ?" Rachel silenced him with a finger to his lips and he looked into her eyes. In them, he saw simply that she wanted to tell him everything, but that he had to be patient. She would cover all of the details, but when she was ready to, and when she felt that the time was right. He nodded in silent agreement, but continued to watch her as she told him what happened.

_It's your love  
It just does something' to me  
It sends a shock right through me  
I can't get enough  
and if you wonder  
about the spell I'm under  
Oh, it's your love  
_

"I was about two months pregnant when I went to the bathroom one day and saw that I was bleeding…Joey took me to the hospital and they did an ultrasound…" Still crying, Rachel took a deep breath that was released in a heart wrenching sob, making Ross immediately wrap his arms around her to allow her to cry into his chest. They sat like this for several moments before Rachel composed herself enough to begin talking again.

She was just getting ready to open her mouth and speak when Ross interrupted. "Rachel, you don't have to finish this. I understand."

Rachel shook her head vehemently. "No. I can do this. It needs to be out in the open – I've kept it inside for too long." Obediently, Ross nodded and let her continue. "The doctor performed an ultrasound and we found out that I'd had a miscarriage. Joey and I dealt with the loss and kept trying. But after 4 months and no pregnancy, we went back to the doctor for some tests. Apparently, the miscarriage affected my body more than they originally thought. The doctor told us that I could never carry a baby to full term. So basically, I wasn't going to have my fairy tale, happily ever after ending. I could never have children."

Rachel looked up into Ross's eyes and saw that he too was crying. Softly his whispered, "I'm so sorry Rach. Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because it was too difficult to deal with. Joey took it so hard. He didn't talk to me for days, he wouldn't make love to me…For a while, I thought he hated me."

"Why would Joey hate you?"

"I couldn't make his dreams come true. I couldn't give him his little Joey or the family that he wanted and deserved. Eventually, I confronted him about the way he was treating me, and we tried to work through the loss together – as a team. We tried to make everything go back to normal, but neither of us could put something so big behind us. In the end, my inability to conceive tore us apart." Neither Ross nor Rachel said anything for a while. Ross was still absorbing the fact that Rachel and Joey had broken up over her inability to have children, and Rachel was relishing in the fact that a secret she'd been keeping for two years was finally out in the open. It felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. She didn't know how Ross would react to this information, but at this point, his reaction wasn't the all that important to her. What mattered most was the fact that he knew. And based on this knowledge, he could make a decision on whether or not he still wanted to be with her. A decision that deep inside, although she didn't want it to bother her, she knew she was dreading.

_When you lie next to me  
Breathing' the air I breathe  
We don't have to speak  
To just be  
Our love's a precious thing  
Don't want to waste a day  
Or one more minute  
Without you in it  
Life is so sweet  
When you lie next to me_

Rachel played with her fingers and chanced to look at Ross who had his head in his hands and was staring blankly at the floor by his feet. "Well?" She whispered.

He sighed and looked up at her, breathing out an elongated "Wow…"

"Yeah," Rachel looked down and asked in that same adorable, innocent voice, "So how do you feel about all of this?"

Ross fixated his gaze on the couch to his left and said, almost distractedly, "Well…I hate to break it to you…" he looked back at her and took her hand once again "…but none of this changes how I feel about you or what I want with you."

_My heart is yours  
And every part of me still wants to give you more  
More time to love  
'Cause you never know when life will leave us  
I want to take in all the beauty here  
Let the world around us just disappear _

"Really?" Rachel's eyes lit up and she squeezed his hand so hard he could almost hear his bones crushing in her grip, trying to hold back the grin that was threatening to spread itself all across her bright and shining face; the same face that was crying and sobbing only moments ago.

"Yeah," Ross looked down and softly sighed. "I mean, it's sad and heartbreaking what you and Joey went through, but your ability or inability to have children is not what made me fall in love with you. I don't want to be with you so that you can have my children and raise them with me in the suburbs. I want to be with you just to be with you. I want to be the one that you come home to every day, the one you wake up to every morning, the one who knows you inside and out. I want to be the one who loves you and gets all of your love, unconditionally, in return; whether or not children were in that equation was never an issue with me. I don't want anything from you but you. That's all I've ever wanted, that's all I'll always want. Are you satisfied with that?"

_I melt _

_Every time you look at me that way  
it never fails, anytime, any place  
this burn in me is the coolest thing I've ever felt  
I melt_

Rachel's cheeks were wet from the tears, although this time they were happy ones. Her eyes were dancing and her face was plastered with this grin that had the potential to make her look like a total idiot. She managed to squeal "Very satisfied," before both she and Ross leaned in for a very deep, passionate kiss. She smiled as her lips touched his and she brought her hands up through his hair before finally settling them on his face. His hands followed a trail from her hips to her hair then back down to rest on her thighs, periodically squeezing them lovingly. Their kiss deepened as she opened her mouth, allowing his tongue to enter and within minutes, she was on his lap and he was picking her up and taking her to the couch not even five feet away. He climbed on top of her and kissed her neck while she tried to get his shirt off.

It was when she felt his hands fumbling with the zipper of her pants that something clicked in the small portion of her brain that was not thinking of Ross and how turned on by him she was. In that second, she realized that this was their second time already and they still hadn't done anything _ideal_. Their first time had been in the kitchen up against his refrigerator and now, they were on the couch in his living room. Neither of these times really qualified as _making love._ Both were more comfortable just as _sex. _But that bothered her. This time, she wanted it to be right – like it should've been the first time. She was breathing dangerously hard - and as mentioned before, only a small portion of her brain was _really _thinking – however, she still managed to push him away a little bit. "Wait…" she heaved. Ross looked at her confused, and she knew exactly what he was thinking. "No, no. I want to do this – more than you can possibly imagine – I just want it to be special, and right. And somehow, sex on the couch doesn't really fulfill that for me. I want our second first time to be how our _first_ first time should've been."

Ross smiled and kissed her nose. "I know what you mean."

"So, shall we move this into the bedroom?" she raised a suggestive eyebrow as he stood up and she giggled when he picked her up off the couch. She looked up into his eyes and smiled. He opened his mouth and was getting ready to say something when she stopped him, once again, with a finger to his lips. He looked at her confused once more but all she said was, "I want to." She took a deep breath and looked even deeper into his eyes, tracing his lips with her thumb as she whispered, "I love you." He smiled and sighed, and she felt herself slide down slightly in his grasp. She giggled and asked, "How long have you been waiting to hear that?"

Ross looked up at the ceiling, then back down to her gorgeous face and said simply, "Too long." She smiled and brought her hand up to his face, pulling him down for a kiss. When she pulled away and opened her eyes, she saw that his eyes remained closed. She touched the tip of her finger to his nose, bringing him back to life, giggled when he brought his forehead in to rest against hers. Breathing the same air as that one person you love more than anything was intoxicating, but through his pure bliss, he managed to whisper, "I love you too."

_Don't know how you do it  
I love the way I lose it, every time  
What's even better   
Is knowing that forever you're all mine  
The closer you get, the more my body aches  
One little stare from you is all it takes_

_I melt._

She kissed him softly once more and caressed his face. As they made their way into the bedroom, she leaned her head back on his shoulder and looked up at him, whispering "I know," as they rounded the corner.

_I know._

_**A/N:** Okay, so this is chapter 3 – the last actual "chapter" for this story. Up next will be an epilogue just giving you an idea of where Ross and Rachel are later in their relationship. The songs I used in this are: "I Melt" by the Rascal Flatts, "When You Lie Next To Me" by Kellie Coffey, "It's Your Love" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, Thanks so much for sticking with this story – I love that you guys read my stuff… So, drop me a line – Tell me what you think!_


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